I could have had it all…..

What does it mean? To have it all?

This post is devoted to the saying: That if you think that you are truly happy and that you have everything that you wanted in your life to have. Always come thing/moment/event/life change which persuades you……. that you can not have it all.

What am I talking about?

I am writing this post to remember the life-changing moments which made me extremely happy and extremely sad at once.

I just turned 35. It has been a very long time ago (about 10 years) when I made my first vision board and placed there picture with my own flat. With DDL of the age 35…. and voala – I have it. All the course of events came to the point, that finally there was a possibility to buy a flat in the location we wanted, for the price we were able to accept and we reached for a mortgage. Impossible became possible 🙂

impossible

It has been 2 weeks since we moved to our new flat, enjoying it, managing everything around it when I started to be worried because I was already having menstruation already for 3 weeks and it was not ending. I started to think what I am going to pay – the real price for the flat? – and now it came! I just came from the doctor – the diagnosis? You “were” expecting baby…..but something went wrong and the pregnancy is not proceeding well. …… ufff so ….. what now? Nothing. I just had that feeling again. I CAN NOT HAVE IT ALL. Every good and great has its huge price. Nothing to do, I was having intrauterine body so I was not even supposed to be pregnant!!! So how come that I am expecting baby which was not on the plan? Again mother nature is much stronger than we think, it has us in her hands.

mother nature

So new learning for me, how does it feel to lose an unborn baby? I was hypocritically thinking that unborn baby is unborn. So if I do not touch and feel it under my heart – nothing to worry about. That there is no a connection created – such a huge mistake. Even I had “the little one, just a few first cells forming new life” under my heart just a few days, maybe a month the bond was created. And now with every drop of blood which comes from my body, I feel like somebody would cut part of my heart and throw it away from me. That feeling of deep sorrow, an internal sadness which you can not simply remove. Even you try hard it is still inside.

sorrow

What is helping me? Writing this post, share my feeling and trying to connect to universal womanhood, to all those unborn babies and mothers who I believe have lived the same as me. Mothers, female friends I understand finally and forever.

By loosing my unborn I gained new experience. It can not be shared, it can not be explained. To fully understand it has to be lived and experienced. I understand better how much I love my life, my family (kids and husband). And that to lose somebody close is so easy. That there is big truth on the motto: Life every day like it is your last one! Enjoy every moment, so if you look back you can say that you lived! Every day is present from the word prezent.

I lived – I wish for us that we will live it all the way we want to live the life!

I lived.png

Young always smiling mom of 2 boys . Finished her master degree at the Economical University in Brno (Czech Republic) country in the heart of Europe. Heading new life stage with a brand new role in my future life career. I have been working for student NGO AIESEC, playing accordion for 11 years, swimming as a competitive mono flip swimmer, singing in a teenage choir and joining different hobbies when any opportunity appeared. I love traveling and exploring new countries so that's why I have been studying abroad (Finland, Thailand), working abroad (Estonia) and daddy of my kids is from Venezuela :). I am a passionate dancer too. Now working for various projects, passionate about a vegan diet.

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Posted in philosophy, thoughts

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